Hi World,
I'm new to the blogging scene, but I'm not entirely new to the subject which I'm going to share.
Brief bio:
I'm married and a mother. I am the oldest of five siblings. I'm closest to my older, middle sister and youngest brother. I am disabled. I am an equestrian and a cartoonist. I will share any or all of the above mentioned at any given time.
Let me start off by sharing that I'm a mother to a special needs child who we took in as an older child. This was a difficult choice. It wasn't difficult because my daughter wasn't going to be blood related or because she came with her own baggage, as everyone does. It was a choice made my myself and my husband before we even got married because I, myself, am disabled. I am severely epileptic.
I became epileptic shortly after dating my husband and even with one of the best doctors in the country and with being on the best medication regime, I still have dangerous seizures. We decided that causing an unborn child any risk when there didn't need to be a risk was selfish.
It didn't make the decision to adopt any less difficult being that I really wanted a biological family of my own and had to face the fact that it should never happen if I didn't want to risk death to myself or an unborn child.
We took in our daughter with open arms even though she came at us with claws and bared teeth. We learned that this was common with foster and adopted children who had endured trauma throughout their lives. Our daughter came from a place where apathy was what kept her safe and scaring away any seeming threat kept away any discomfort. Our daughter is now 13 years old and in four years has blossomed into what we thought was impossible. She has started showing empathy, concern and love.
Trauma can do so much to a child, even infants. Trauma in infants and young children has been proven to re-program the brain to learn that pushing people away is the safest way to protect the person. If the child is going to get hurt each time they need something, why would they show vulnerability? It's often why foster parents have new arrivals who automatically are searching for the dishes or food instead of asking either for permission or where the silverware is stored. If they ask for permission, this shows vulnerability and therefore may open up an opportunity for them to be denied something they need or worse. In worse scenarios, children with this Reactive Attachment Disorder will learn to generalize all authoritative figures, ie: foster parents, adoptive parents, bio-parents, case workers, police, teachers, etc., as ones who cannot be trusted. In their brains, adults are the enemy. It is even common to see children drive wedges in between married and dating couples to get leverage over control of certain situations. (Because they tried bonding instinctively as infants, but were hurt in some shape or form, the attachment was broken. Now the child, whenever senses themselves becoming attached to someone will react negatively out of fear.) Despite the fact that in less than 18 years they, too, will be an adult. It doesn't and unless drilled into them, will not get the concept that adults are not the enemy. So, as adults, they still think like they did as a young child and see the world as a child.
How did we help our daughter? Oy! It wasn't easy. I highly encourage it, if your states' insurance or your insurance provides it, to get Family Based therapy for the entire family. This type of therapy comes to the home and has intensive therapy to help the child in need and to help the family know how to assist the child when it feels unsafe and help guide the family with demonstrating healthy behaviors for the child to mimic. When the child feels unsafe, that is when the child will become defiant, aggressive, quiet and shut down or choose other undesired behaviors. I highly recommend it. We had Family Based services twice. Then, we insisted on receiving mobile therapy for her currently. I participate when and as needed. When she was younger, I participated a lot more to help her engage since children often look for the direction of their parents. She doesn't need my help as much now that she's a teen and often is feeling her way into womanhood. For families who are seriously considering adopting: therapy is a MUST! You are taking in a child who "knows" they were abandoned by their birth family and has low self-image. I can't imagine anything worse than feeling like my own flesh and blood didn't love me when I see all my friends with their bio-parents. I'm sure there are those exceptions, but even if they seem okay, I would go for it. Therapy doesn't hurt anyone.
Now, parents! If you have chosen to adopt, welcome to my club! Now, go to a spa! You're laughing at me, right? I get it. You're child is so difficult with babysitters and you can't take it anywhere. Not even at 16 years old. But at the same time, you must take care of your self. You HAVE to! You have to be in your best condition to help your "special needs" child. I'm disabled and if I don't get the sleep I need, I'm absolutely no help seizing on the floor. We all must do what we need to take care of ourselves to ensure the well-being of our children.
Married couples! Don't forget to go out together. Just the two of you, I mean. Even if it's to your favorite Chinese food place or to see a movie. Just get out without the kid(s).
And like I said before, therapy never hurts anyone. Sometimes, we just need a non-judgmental ear.
I'm new to the blogging scene, but I'm not entirely new to the subject which I'm going to share.
Brief bio:
I'm married and a mother. I am the oldest of five siblings. I'm closest to my older, middle sister and youngest brother. I am disabled. I am an equestrian and a cartoonist. I will share any or all of the above mentioned at any given time.
Let me start off by sharing that I'm a mother to a special needs child who we took in as an older child. This was a difficult choice. It wasn't difficult because my daughter wasn't going to be blood related or because she came with her own baggage, as everyone does. It was a choice made my myself and my husband before we even got married because I, myself, am disabled. I am severely epileptic.
I became epileptic shortly after dating my husband and even with one of the best doctors in the country and with being on the best medication regime, I still have dangerous seizures. We decided that causing an unborn child any risk when there didn't need to be a risk was selfish.
It didn't make the decision to adopt any less difficult being that I really wanted a biological family of my own and had to face the fact that it should never happen if I didn't want to risk death to myself or an unborn child.
We took in our daughter with open arms even though she came at us with claws and bared teeth. We learned that this was common with foster and adopted children who had endured trauma throughout their lives. Our daughter came from a place where apathy was what kept her safe and scaring away any seeming threat kept away any discomfort. Our daughter is now 13 years old and in four years has blossomed into what we thought was impossible. She has started showing empathy, concern and love.
Trauma can do so much to a child, even infants. Trauma in infants and young children has been proven to re-program the brain to learn that pushing people away is the safest way to protect the person. If the child is going to get hurt each time they need something, why would they show vulnerability? It's often why foster parents have new arrivals who automatically are searching for the dishes or food instead of asking either for permission or where the silverware is stored. If they ask for permission, this shows vulnerability and therefore may open up an opportunity for them to be denied something they need or worse. In worse scenarios, children with this Reactive Attachment Disorder will learn to generalize all authoritative figures, ie: foster parents, adoptive parents, bio-parents, case workers, police, teachers, etc., as ones who cannot be trusted. In their brains, adults are the enemy. It is even common to see children drive wedges in between married and dating couples to get leverage over control of certain situations. (Because they tried bonding instinctively as infants, but were hurt in some shape or form, the attachment was broken. Now the child, whenever senses themselves becoming attached to someone will react negatively out of fear.) Despite the fact that in less than 18 years they, too, will be an adult. It doesn't and unless drilled into them, will not get the concept that adults are not the enemy. So, as adults, they still think like they did as a young child and see the world as a child.
How did we help our daughter? Oy! It wasn't easy. I highly encourage it, if your states' insurance or your insurance provides it, to get Family Based therapy for the entire family. This type of therapy comes to the home and has intensive therapy to help the child in need and to help the family know how to assist the child when it feels unsafe and help guide the family with demonstrating healthy behaviors for the child to mimic. When the child feels unsafe, that is when the child will become defiant, aggressive, quiet and shut down or choose other undesired behaviors. I highly recommend it. We had Family Based services twice. Then, we insisted on receiving mobile therapy for her currently. I participate when and as needed. When she was younger, I participated a lot more to help her engage since children often look for the direction of their parents. She doesn't need my help as much now that she's a teen and often is feeling her way into womanhood. For families who are seriously considering adopting: therapy is a MUST! You are taking in a child who "knows" they were abandoned by their birth family and has low self-image. I can't imagine anything worse than feeling like my own flesh and blood didn't love me when I see all my friends with their bio-parents. I'm sure there are those exceptions, but even if they seem okay, I would go for it. Therapy doesn't hurt anyone.
Now, parents! If you have chosen to adopt, welcome to my club! Now, go to a spa! You're laughing at me, right? I get it. You're child is so difficult with babysitters and you can't take it anywhere. Not even at 16 years old. But at the same time, you must take care of your self. You HAVE to! You have to be in your best condition to help your "special needs" child. I'm disabled and if I don't get the sleep I need, I'm absolutely no help seizing on the floor. We all must do what we need to take care of ourselves to ensure the well-being of our children.
Married couples! Don't forget to go out together. Just the two of you, I mean. Even if it's to your favorite Chinese food place or to see a movie. Just get out without the kid(s).
And like I said before, therapy never hurts anyone. Sometimes, we just need a non-judgmental ear.
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